In our social media culture of likes and dislikes, thumbs-up or thumbs-down, it seems everyone expects us to take a side. Whether it’s politics—love Trump or hate Trump—or weighing in on the amount of gray in my hair, everyone has an opinion. Everyone is expected to voice their opinion. Everyone is a critic.
And if you think it’s harsh to hear those critics, it turns out we are the harshest and most critical of ourselves.
According to the National Science Foundation, the average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. That can mean about 2,000 thoughts per hour. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive. If we repeat those negative thoughts, we are thinking negatively far more than we think positively.
I recently performed an exercise to see just how much I am critiquing and judging myself with negativity. It comes from Dr. Doe Lang, author of The New Secrets of Charisma. It’s called the Anti-Judgmental Notebook. For one to two weeks I wrote down—or attempted to write down—every negative and self-judgmental thought about myself. The next step was to critique my negative critiques. Where in my life is my self-esteem worst? When do I seem to think the most negatively about myself?
It’s important to remember that the quest to be practically perfect in every possible way is only for Mary Poppins and other fictional characters. Humans are not perfect. Not you, not me, not anyone. The truth is we are good at some things and still developing in others, while some skills may be totally out of reach for one reason or another. You may have great athletic skills but poor financial acumen. You may be a great speller but still haven’t mastered sentence structure for clear communication. Be gentle with yourself.
The next step in the reflection process is, for one day, to let go of judging others. That’s right: no likes or dislikes on your social media channels, no comments on Trump or any other politician, no comments on family members or work colleagues. In the Anti-Judgmental Notebook, write down your judgments of others to get an idea of just how often you judge others and their actions.
“People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.” — Epictetus
If you want a happier, more positive life, remember that you don’t have to weigh in on everything. Try critiquing only what you fully understand, and only when asked for your opinion. Even if you have expertise in an area, it’s usually not helpful to weigh in unless you are asked and/or paid to do so.
To get on your own good side, the best antidote is positive self-talk. Talk nice. When an octopus gets stressed out, it eats itself. Stop eating yourself with negative self-talk. Try some positive affirmations. Check out my blog on how to construct positive affirmations. Self-talk can be a good friend and help you achieve goals.
To close it out today, my favorite quote on being on our own side—and a way to nurture our brilliance—comes from a friend of mine, Pam Schoon:
“We must be careful not to let our words define us. Especially the ones we say to ourselves.” — Pam Schoon