Do Presidential Style Debates Win at Work?
My guess is that after listening to the first 2020 presidential debate many of you are answering with a resounding NO!
And yet differing opinions usually result in a better, more improved end product. So how can we move through conflict and instead engage in a brilliant discussion that creates a win/win for all?
Early on in the content creation process for my book, Building Your Brilliance: Move From Stressful Survival to Joyful Living, my supporters/collaborators and I received stinging feedback. I must say, as with most of us when we are creating something new that we wish to bring to the world, I didn’t like nor welcome the feedback. I mentally stomped around for a bit pouting and then went to work. I began researching. At first, the research was to prove I was right, and then I calmed down to explore if the criticism was valid. More importantly, I eventually moved to researching the best way to solve the problem. This process made the book stronger. At the end, I was happy for the conflict. I believe it made a win/win for all.
Here are my steps to move from “I won” to “we win” at work when discussing or even debating the best way forward.
Kevin Daum in Inc. Magazine’s article 7 Ways Amazing Leaders Encourage Healthy Debate encourages that we “start in the spirit of inquiry.” Most communication experts agree, urging leaders to listen with empathy and a desire to understand versus thinking how to respond. However, unless you fully understand yourself and your triggers, true listening is just not going to happen.
Know your triggers, understand your fears. Conflict and differing opinions easily cause your brain to get triggered. By triggered I mean when your brain senses fear and you instantly go into protection mode. When you are in this protection mode, you are in the worst position to connect with the other person. In fact, experts in psychology Drs. Johansson and Lankow from the Psychology at Work Podcast and CareProfiler Inc., explain that humans are always doing one of two things: connecting with others or protecting one’s self. Protection mode is always about fear. When you are in protection mode, there is no way of connecting with others in your discussion. The first step to move out of protection to connection is to breathe. To aid in that process I recommend moving. Ask for a timeout and take a walk. Even a walk to the bathroom can help get the oxygen flowing. Even better, do some jumping jacks, which might work better when working from home.
Prepare to discuss Use the mindset of discussion versus debate. When you do so, you are moving to the win/win mindset instead of the “I will get my way” mindset. Preparation also includes research (which is the next point), along with getting yourself in a positive state of mind.
Research – As mentioned in my story above, I feel it is imperative to do your own research. Use your critical thinking skills to uncover the facts. Not what the loudest member of the team says, not what the leader says, and not what your bias is trying to confirm. Research takes an open mind. It takes time. Take the time to do it and be open to what you find.
Clarify the goal. Remembering the goal is often hard after we have been thinking and talking about a topic for a while. I find my best speeches, workshop sessions, coaching calls, and conversations begin with time spent recalling and clarifying the goal. Emotions can also have a way of high-jacking a discussion and moving it away from the original point.
Breathe – Yes, you read that right. It is so important to slow down your discussions and breathe. When you slow down, you can listen attentively and bring needed oxygen to your brain for optimal reasoning.
Dialogue, not monologue. In the book, Words Can Change Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict and Increase Intimacy, by Newberg and Waldman, the authors outline a method called Compassionate Communication. The method encourages a slower pace, talking for only 30 seconds at a time. Research indicates that people only remember 20 seconds of what is said each time you talk. It’s best to have more control over what is remembered by speaking less. Work to slow the discussion down and allow your brain to think as you listen to what the other person is saying. The authors also encourage entering the conversation with remembering what you appreciate about your colleague(s). This can be part of the preparation piece listed above.
In summary, I dislike conflict like the plague, or maybe now, like Covid-19! At any rate, I realize that the biggest reason for my dislike of conflict is fear. The more I understand myself, the more I recognize my fear triggers and the easier it is for me to manage the fears. When I know and acknowledge my fears, I can begin to connect with others. It is at that point we can have a respectful discussion and win/win result.
Discussion, not debate, can be a powerful method for calming fears and using connection and brain power to solve problems. The above tips will help you move debates to discussions for results that will make the world a more brilliant place!