Does Being Alone Scare You? You’re Not Alone! How Belonging is the Key To Success

Common Fears:

I am a member of three of the above groups. I screech and scream at the thought of mice, bats, snakes, and most any other creepy-crawly being on the earth. Just ask my neighbor the day I found a snake on my deck. She came running over, fearing that someone was holding me at gunpoint! Halloween decorations that include spiders will never be found in my house. And if any of those critters are found in high places, do not count on me to do something about it!

It’s good to know that I am not alone! Turns out the feelings we experience when we feel like an outsider might just cause more havoc in our lives than the phobias/fears mentioned above.

The Fear of Not Belonging

Belonging, interpersonal connection, is a basic human need. Belonging means we are fully supported, accepted and connected to shared experiences.

Psychological Bulletin, authors Baumeister and Leary, state in their 1995 literature review on the topic, “At present, it seems fair to conclude that human beings are fundamentally and pervasively motivated by a need to belong, that is, by a strong desire to form and maintain enduring interpersonal attachments.”

Now neuroscience affirms this point proving that our brains are affected by our need to belong. Psychology Today reports that “much of human behavior, thought, and emotion stems from our psychological need to belong.” Everything from stress, depression, happiness, academic performance, and a meaningful life are impacted by our sense of belonging. The article contends that “for some, belonging and attachment to co-workers is a better motivator than money.”

The reason that “not belonging” triggers us, according to the Pesso Boyden Psychomotor Psychotherapy (PBSP), is that not belonging is the first and most important need that must be met in order to have happy, healthy relationships with others.

The PBSP system teaches that for us to have healthy relationships with others at work and at home, we needed to have certain needs met by our caregivers at key times in our development journey as a youngster. If those needs of feeling wanted were not met, we are, for all practical purposes, psychologically bruised. Therefore, when we are in a social situation where we feel different or interpret the actions of others to mean we “don’t belong”, we feel “bruised”.

Bumping into those bruises triggers our fears which ignites the guard dog brain (as Goldie Hawn refers to the amygdala in her Mindfulness work with students) to react. And when the guard dog brain reacts our brain and body are flooded with hormones and chemicals to move us into fight or flight. Hence the guard dog name. This means our wise old owl brain flies away, in other words, our rational thinking is out the door.

The research is clear, to be healthy means we feel a sense of belonging. Not only emotional health is tied to belonging but physical health is as well.

Bruce Rabin, MD, Ph.D., a professor of pathology and psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center explained to WebMed, “The workplace needs to feel meaningful. If you feel like you’re not respected, that your opinion isn’t meaningful, you’re at an increased risk of heart disease . . . . On the flip side, feeling a part of the workplace is a meaningful buffer to the health effects of stress.”

Triggered by Not Belonging – What to Do?

  1. When you are triggered, take a deep breath. Moving helps that process so take a walk.
  2. Count to 10. Just 10 seconds can help us calm back down and not say or do something with our guard dog brain in control.
  3. Check to see if the emotional flood you are feeling is triggered by a sense of not feeling valued, a sense that you don’t belong. If that’s the case, use some self-talk and affirmations to calm you down: “I am a valuable person. I have the right to belong here. I choose to  interact in ways that will be respectful of me and others.”
  4. Seek out another person to talk about your feelings. Someone who will listen and empathize with you.
  5. Get involved! Be the initiator of belonging and plan an event with others such as inviting someone to coffee or lunch or to go for a walk.

Building A “Belonging” Environment

As leaders in organizations, you can do a variety of things to build an environment where, as the sitcom Cheers reminded us, “Everyone Knows Your Name.”

  1. Tell new hires why you hired them and how they fit into the organization.
  2. Use logos to build inclusiveness – logoed clothes, mugs, stationary.
  3. Tell the story of your team and organization and offer encouragement as to how others fit into the continuation of that story.
  4. Organize events that allow for collaboration and sharing of thoughts and ideas.
  5. Spend time listening and positively encouraging others!
  6. Genuinely share your life experiences and inquire more about others beyond work related tasks.

If you really want to Build Brilliance in yourself and in others, work on belonging. It may seem like a scary thing, yet as the research shows, it’s more frightening to be alone!