Sticks and stone can break your bones but words will never hurt you.
We have all heard the phrase and now, thanks to the growing field of neuroscience, we know why it does nothing to heal a bruised emotional state.
Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Waldman, contributors to Psychology Today and authors of Words Can Change Your Brain, explain that words do matter and effect our brain either positively or negatively. In fact, just seeing a list of negative words can, “disrupt your sleep, your appetite, and your ability to experience long-term happiness and satisfaction.”
As leaders, teachers, parents or as people in relationships, it is important to teach our tongue to communicate in a way that builds others up and does not destroy or tear down.
Dr. Erica Garms, in The Brain-friendly Workplace, conveys a study outlined in Daniel Pink’s book Drive, reporting that employees perceive they receive about 50 hours of negative feedback per year compared to three to four minutes of positive feedback per year!
You may be giving off more vibes of negativity and destructive feedback than you are aware.
Check out the following to see if you may need a tongue tune-up.
- Do you need to have the last word?
- Do you love to argue and/or have a need to be right?
- Do you say too much?
- Do you dominate the conversation and end up in monologue versus dialogue?
- Do you often sit quiet, not saying enough or maybe anything?
- Is your humor back-biting and sarcastic than generically light-hearted?
- Is your tone of voice loud?
- Do you speak with a monotone pitch?
- Are you considered fiery and opinionate?
- Is your speech pace rapid?
Answering yes to any of the above might indicate that a refresher in communication is in need.
Below is a simplified version of Newberg and Waldman’s, eight ways to increase the effectiveness of your tongue. For more information, refer to their book or the article referenced in Psychology Today.
- Relax. If you are stressed, mirror neurons will kick in and soon all parties involved in the communication will be stressed. When stressed, our adult brain is not capable of higher-level thinking or even listening and the outcome of the conversation will be negative.
- Visualize your best behavior when talking and listening. Our brain reacts to the tone of voice more than the actual words. Studies show that even kind words said in a harsh tone are perceived negatively.
- Brief and slow is better. Comedians generally have a delivery style that is paced so we have time for the joke to sink in. Plus, there is pause to provide time for us to laugh at the joke. In your dialogue, slow down and pause. It opens the door for a response. Like a tennis game, back and forth, back and forth. Each tennis player only has one serve at a time, not several to bombard the opponent with multiple balls or in this case, thoughts.
Paying attention to these important tips will teach your tongue to be a brilliant communicator and in turn, do as mother Theresa advices, “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”